She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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