my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
