In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
