my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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