then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Randomize
