Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
I know her cup size but not her name....
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
