woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
