Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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