I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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