life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
