My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
