I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
