To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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