Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
