This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
