I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
i think i have two assholes
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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