I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
