woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
My vagina is very pro this idea
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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