is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Two words: blizzard sex
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Randomize
