I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Randomize
