I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
