i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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