i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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