if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
