we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
