I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize