and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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