In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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