Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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