That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
