i just sent this text using only my big toe
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
