definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
