i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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