quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
