Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
