He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
