this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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