I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
