If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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