there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The beer is more important than you right now.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
