It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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