i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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