Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
