if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
