You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
