Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
