Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
