is your mom at the bar?
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
