why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
