I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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