i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
honey bunches of taint.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
