I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
