apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
