I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize