My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
