Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
