..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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